From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Well, I never got a call from any Hollywood producer asking me to star in that Bigfoot movie they’re shootin’ out in Bastrop. I reckon they want someone with some acting experience. A big-budget Hollywood movie needs the best thespians available in order to win the Oscars, so I’m figuring the producers are trying to get a real actor like Larry the Cable Guy. I still think I could’ve pulled it off. Heck, I’ve been acting like an ignorant redneck for years when in fact I’m am a refined, sophisticated, highly intelligent journalist, and if you believe that, you should audition for the remake of “Dumb and Dumber.”
So, I’m back on the Crow’s Nest, writing another silly column while sipping cold beer and watching Maw run over a muffler that fell off my old Chevy two years ago. I couldn’t decide on a local news-worthy subject, so I decided to report on a scandalous business in my childhood home of Lubbock. That’s a bit far from the Crow’s Nest, but this business might just branch out to other Texas towns, so I thought I should inform my homies of what’s happening up in the Panhandle.
There’s this business called Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock that has been getting a rise out of some city officials. This service is just like any other house cleaning business but for one exception. These cleaning ladies do their sweeping and mopping in the nude. Yep, nekkid as a jaybird. These gals will cook, clean and iron for ya for $100 an hour while you sit on the couch, drink beer and stare. Now, I’m not sure what other cleaning crews charge, but I bet Fantasy Maid Service is raking in the dough. There are a lot of lonely slobs in Lubbock.
The owner of this company, Melissa Borrett, claims business is booming. She had to hire extra girls just to keep up with the demand of naked house cleaning. She says most of her customers are businessmen who need their offices cleaned, but they also have some college boys requesting their services. I bet there are a few frat houses around Texas Tech that are spotlessly clean. Borrett states, “The home-owners are always at home when we’re there, always.” She adds, “I’ve yet to send anyone to an empty house.”
Now, I don’t know what to think about this company. When I think of maids, I recall Hazel and Alice from the “Brady Bunch,” and I wouldn’t want to see either of them prancing around my house naked, shaking their feather duster over my hearth. I don’t know what Miss Borrett and her merry maids look like, but I bet not one looks like Mrs. Garrett on “Diff’rent Strokes.” You know, I recall one maid on an old TV show who wore only an apron, but then Rosie was a robot and Mrs. Jetson was much hotter.
Miss Borrett claims most of her clients are men. Well, duh! I can’t imagine any wife asking for some sexy maid to come clean her house while she and her husband relax on the sofa and read the Sunday paper. No, sir, ain’t likely. Can you imagine what would happen if, for a Mother’s Day gift, I hire a naked lady to clean our house so Maw could have the day off? Yeah, Mother’s Day would turn into Widow’s Day at the drop of a skillet.
What’s next? Maybe nude handymen and plumbers for the lonely housewives out there? I wonder if women would pay good money to watch a plumber in a thong unclog her toilet with his handy snake. Would a housewife pay $100 to have a naked TV repairman enter her home with nothing but his tool bag? I just don’t know what this world is coming to.
Well, I hope Miss Borrett and her Fantasy Maid Service stay up in Lubbock. We just don’t need that kind of business down here. There’re enough things here in Hays County to keep us guys in trouble with our wives. We don’t need any more help, even if the help looks like a Playboy centerfold.
Clint Younts has been known to run around nekkid – but that was in the past – the far past – when he was a toddler at Old Mountain City.