by CLINT YOUNTS
Just because the college football season ended with another bogus championship game doesn’t mean the season is over. Au contraire, sports fans! You only thought Notre Dame’s humiliating drubbing in the BS Championship game was as bad as it could get. Now there’s some crème for your Irish coffee. I’m sure most of y’all have heard about this scandalous report of the mystery girlfriend of star linebacker Manti Te’o. If you haven’t heard about this, allow me to fill you in.
Back in the early fall, when Notre Dame and their outstanding linebacker were attracting a lot of attention, a story broke that Te’o received the horrible news that his grandmother and his girlfriend died on the same day. Instead of attending his girlfriend’s funeral, Te’o went on and played the game of his life against the USC Trojans. This is the fodder of some sappy movie, but it also boosted Te’o up the list of Heisman Trophy candidates. In my view, I don’t think personal tragedy should bolster one’s stock in winning the Heisman. If it does, then the next Heisman Trophy should go to Bubba Clyde Klodbuster, the offensive tackle of Oklahoma, who had to sell his pet sow to pay for his momma’s drug rehab.
Well, while Manti Te’o and the Fighting Irish were having a stellar season, the sad story of Te’o and his dearly departed loved ones continued to surface in every televised game. Te’o appeared on magazine covers and talk shows. He became a finalist for the Heisman and was loved by all, all except the young lady whose identity was stolen by someone playing a hoax on Te’o and the rest of the sports world.
Last week, the news broke that the whole story of a dead girlfriend was pure fiction. It was all made up by some clever jokester, possibly by Te’o himself. There are several theories of who is the mastermind behind the hoax, but I won’t waste my time stirring that kettle. I do think it’s a bit fishy that Te’o didn’t inform the public of the hoax until after the Heisman race and the championship game. According to Notre Dame’s athletic director, Jack Swarbrick, Manti received a phone call from his girlfriend on the day of an awards ceremony in early December. There’s nothing wrong with the girlfriend calling to wish him luck except she’s been dead for over two months.
Swarbrick claims that Manti was “very unnerved by that.” You think? Getting a call from a deceased girlfriend could really put a damper on a party. You know, I’ve been told you can’t take money with you when you die, but apparently cell phones are allowed in heaven. I bet the roaming charges are outrageous!
After the long-distance phone call, Manti Te’o went on and attended the awards ceremony, winning the Bednarik Award, the Maxwell Award, the Walter Camp Foundation Award and the Jeanne Dixon’s Psychic of the Year Award. After winning these awards, there was talk about Te’o winning the Heisman but not a word about his conversation with a ghost. Hmm?
I’m going to give Manti Te’o the benefit of a doubt and go with his story that it was an elaborate hoax. He claims he met the girl online but never actually saw her in person. There was a lot of online chatting and numerous phone calls, and Te’o subsequently fell in love with this mysterious muse. Perhaps Manti was just naïve and didn’t know better than to fall head-over-heels into a web of deception. It has happened to others, but their stories never made headlines. Someone should give young, naïve men some fatherly guidance about online dating before they too fall into the clutches of some bogus bimbo. Allow me to give a few tidbits of advice to you young members of the Lonely Hearts Club.
OK, guys, I’m sure some gals on the other end of your modem may very well be sincere, but I’m sure there are several she-devils that you need to steer clear of. There are certain phrases in online dating that are red flags, signs that the dream girl you are sweet on might well be the girl of your nightmares.
If she posts a photo of a drop-dead gorgeous gal, that picture is probably a fake. Most beautiful women don’t need a PC to get a date. Haven’t you seen Manti’s girlfriend? That’s OK, neither has he.
If your computer date claims her favorite food is Chicken McNuggets, she probably hasn’t reached her teen years yet and should be avoided.
If she claims she hasn’t dated a guy in 10 years except for a brief fling with her parole officer, I’d be a little leery of this girl.
If she asks how much you earn or the amount of your life insurance policy, it’s time to break off this relationship.
If your internet interest claims she doesn’t Skype because her camera doesn’t have a wide-angle lens, then it’s time to log out.
If she asks if you think chest hair on a girl is sexy, unplug your dang computer.
If she divulges that she dreams of earning enough money to afford cosmetic surgery and adds, “I’d like to get an implant for my left one,” you might want to sign off.
Here are a few questions you might want to ask your internet buddy before you go telling sports reporters about your love life. The answers to these questions might save you heartbreak or other serious injury. You might want to sever your love connection if you get replies like these:
When you ask, “What is your favorite movie?” and she replies, “Fatal Attraction.”
You ask, “Who is your idol?” and she replies, “Lorena Bobbitt.”
You inquire, “What’s your favorite song?” and she answers “Barracuda.”
You ask, “What one thing would you like to have if we are both stranded on a deserted island?” and she replies, “My recipe book, “A Cannibal’s Guide to Cooking.””
So, fellas, if you are so desperate that you must depend on a website for female companionship, I hope my advice can help you find the right girl. And Mr. Te’o, there’s no need to search the internet for your soul mate. You’ll have plenty of nice girls waiting for you to sign that NFL contract.
Clint Younts is probably glad his cows don’t own computers. He would have a heck of a time figuring out why they were so sad – despite the attention of his bull.