From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS

Last Monday, my lovely wife, often referred to as “Maw” in this here column, and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. Thirty years of wedded bliss, somewhat of a rarity these days, I’m afraid. Many of my friends have not been so successful in their marital unions. If you were to grab one of those highly informative magazines at the check-out line at HEB, you’d probably read about another Hollywood couple heading to Splitsville, often due to one spouse getting caught in No-Tell Motel, practicing his lines to the love scene of his latest movie.

When some folks hear I’ve been married thirty years, they ask, “To the same woman?” Well, heck yeah! I’ve been eating beef for over 50 years and haven’t switched to being a vegan yet, so why would I want a different spouse? The one I have suits me just fine. Like some wise, old cowpoke once said, “Don’t switch horses at midstream”. I’ve done crossed that stream and still have a fresh pony; I don’t need a young filly to finish this cattle drive.

Now, some of you folks might be wondering, “What’s your secret to nuptial success?” Well, let me tell ya; if you marry the right gal, it ain’t so hard, but like any venture, you have to work hard to make it work. Lots of young couples don’t know how to have a successful marriage, often due to a lack of positive role models. They would rather end a broken marriage than fix it. Sometimes, unfortunately, like my old lawnmower, a bad marriage can’t be repaired. Then you have to go spend a wad of money and start anew.

Perhaps I can offer some of you newly wedded fellas some sagacious advice, give you a few pointers on how to have a successful, happy marriage. Thirty years ago, I received advice from a very wise man, and now I believe I should pass this on to you young men who have recently entered wedlock or are fixin’ to exchange those holy vows. I reckon I should include some disclaimer so I don’t get sued by some philandering golfer with a hankerin’ for bimbos who loses his wife and half of his belongings in divorce court.

First of all, stick to those vows you made before the preacher and all those friends and family. If you break these promises, especially that one about “forsaking all others,” you know the whole world will learn about your dirty deed as fast as you can say Sandra Bullock, and the term “Slimeball” will precede your name thereafter.

Communication is essential in all marriages. Men should listen to their wives and learn to say “yes ma’am” and “right after this punt, Honey” when asked to do menial chores. It’s fine to politely ask your bride to do something like fetching a cold beer or trimming your toenails, but don’t ever demand something. This can unleash a fury worse than Hurricane Rita. Women can recall every stupid thing husbands have ever done in a flash, and within minutes of your bold demand, you’ll find yourself cowering in a corner, whimpering like a whupped pup. Yes sir, proper communication is a life saver.

Don’t complain about your wife’s cooking. Even if it tastes like burnt skunk, eat what she has “slaved over a hot stove all afternoon.” After 20 years of marriage, but no sooner, it is all right to say that the black bean burger with fake cheese and turkey bacon was not all that pleasing to your taste buds, but be sure to add that it looked tasty. Now Maw is no gourmet chef, but she whips up some mighty fine meals. Every once in a while, she’ll try some recipe she found in one of her magazines. I don’t know who came up with these recipes, but I bet you a buck-fifty his name’s not Bubba. No salt, no BBQ sauce, no jalapenos, no flavor. But as a good husband who can’t boil water without burning it, I eat every bit of the mystery meal. Washing it down with a cold beer helps tremendously.

Here’s a great piece of advice: Get yourself a riding lawnmower. When the missus is riled up because of some stupid thing you did but can’t recall, get on your mower. Mow the lawn, twice if necessary. Heck, mow the neighbor’s lawn if you think you really screwed up and forgot something like her birthday, anniversary of your first kiss or your address when coming home from last night’s poker game. I am so forgetful, I often mow 50 acres every Sunday whether it needs it or not.

You may ask, “Oh, wise one, perched on the Crow’s Nest, how might one know the wife is upset?” The answer, my boy, lies in the eyes of the lady. If they look like the eyes of a puppy or a new-born heifer, the wife is friendly. If she glares at you with eyes of an angry rattler, get on your Lawn Boy as fast as your rubbery legs will carry you. If you notice an eerie silence at dinner, then you probably forgot something important. If it’s ice cold in the bedroom and although it is July and the AC is low on coolant, you need to quickly apologize, even if you haven’t the vaguest idea what you did wrong.

A few more bits of advice for you novice husbands that is quite useful: Make her laugh. If she’s happy and smiling, you will find marital bliss. Keep a notebook handy to jot down every anniversary, birthday and chore that is bestowed upon you. Spend quality time with your spouse instead of playing Texas Hold ‘em on your 5th wedding anniversary. Stock up on antacids while your new bride is learning to cook. Always have a full gas can in the lawnmower shed. Last but not least, don’t refer to your lovely wife as “Maw” in your newspaper columns without her permission.

rockytop78640@yahoo.com