From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
It seems to me that lots of people are protesting over stuff that don’t make much sense to me. Lots of folks are upset about the mess that British Petroleum made out in the gulf, cursing the oil company as they drive their gas-guzzling cars down the road. Other folks are protesting the way immigrants are being treated in Arizona, but I wonder if Arizona residents are joining those protests? I hear a lot about people protesting the Tea Party. Dang if I know why. It occurred over 200 years ago, and most Americans are coffee drinkers anyhow. I reckon some folks just like to blow off steam.
I keep reading about celebrities protesting stuff, joining causes to help the world. Oprah is helping educate children in Africa by building schools. Brad and Angelina are concerned about over-population in Asia and are helping out by adopting one child from every Asian country. Lots of sports figures have joined some cause to help improve their image or because it was a term of their probation. I hear Tiger Woods has donated hundreds of cell phones to working girls and spends countless hours teaching them the fine art of sexting.
I normally don’t fret over stuff that I see on the news and I rarely get involved in protests, but after seeing the publicity some celebrities get for joining a worthwhile cause, I began thinking perhaps I should try it. Now, I know I’m not as popular as George Clooney or Bono, but some stranger recently approached me and asked, “Aren’t you the nut who writes that stupid column in the paper?” By golly, I might be on the verge of public recognition. If I were to join some cause or participate in a public protest, I might become as famous as Erma Bombeck. Now I need to find some noteworthy cause, and I think I just found one.
Last weekend, a group of gals in Austin (let’s keep it weird) were protesting about not being allowed to run around topless while members of the male community are allowed. A group of half-clad females were bouncing their protest signs up and down the street near the capitol claiming the current law was discrimination. The D-cupped demonstrators demanded equal opportunity to get a complete tan like us men without the risk of getting busted.
When asked why she was protesting, one bosomy brunette replied, “This rally allows us women to get something off our chests, to reveal the naked truth behind the sexual discrimination practiced in our country.” Here, here, Sister! You have a point there. You should have equal rights. Who am I to object to a woman’s wish to bare her soul and other parts if she wants, but if I join your cause, we need to set some standards.
First, some women shouldn’t be allowed to go topless in public. If your scale screams “Uncle” when you’re standing on it, you should put on a shirt before heading to Zilker Park. There should be some age limit set for topless sunbathers. Let’s say, 35-40, older if you’ve had medical alterations. And maybe, like many airlines, there should be a fee for “excess saggage”.
I think if good-lookin’ gals want to strut their stuff on public beaches or area lakes, we should let them as long as they do it in a kid-free zone. It’s bad enough that kids have to deal with tar and dog poop while playing on the beach, but should we subject their sensitive eyes to bobbling buoys of beach bunnies? I think not.
Although I am a hard-working man with little leisure time, I am willing to volunteer a few hours a month to station myself at these topless beaches, to warn unsuspecting families of possible torpedoes floating in the surf and suggest they go elsewhere. Yep, I think this could be a fine cause for me to join except I don’t know if I could convince Maw in letting me join. Hold on a sec, let me go ask her….
I think I’d better find some other cause to join. Maw doesn’t think this one is right for me. Instead, I think I will become a spokesperson for iliterazy, illideracy, illitterasy, aw, heck, not knowing how to write. Yeah, that would be more appropriate, and a lot safer.
Clint Younts likes to do his tanning, shirt on, while he works at a veterinary clinic and while running cattle on his property.
