I attended a function this weekend that was a first for me. It was a gender reveal party for my daughter and her hubby. No, not like the one Bruce Jenner held with Diane Sawyer, but one like lots of expecting couples have these days where the sex of the baby is a big secret until the party. With suspense building like scratching off your last million-dollar lottery ticket of the day, the gender is revealed by showing either pink or blue in some elaborate way. If you’re color-blind, these parties must be a real bummer.
You know, we didn’t have these gender reveal parties back in the ’80s when my daughters were born. I reckon it’s because we didn’t have fancy ultrasound equipment back then to determine the sex of the baby. Down in south Texas, if you wanted to know the sex, you’d have to hire a gypsy woman with a dead chicken. And dang if she wasn’t correct 50% of the time.
Well, in case you’re wonderin’, I’m gonna have another granddaughter to spoil in four months. That’s fine with me because, having two daughters and one granddaughter, I know a lot about raising girls. So far this year, my nephew had a baby girl as well as a fellow passenger on the infamous Party Bus Tour of 2016. And once my son-in-law becomes a daddy, I anticipate some phone calls from these three fellas asking for bits of parenting advice from this old pro. And what better source is there for sound advice? Lots of people have informed me that I’m full of it.
Let me share with all y’all new and future dads on the difference in raising girls and boys. First of all, changing a girl’s diaper is safer than changing a boy’s. I have read medical journals about novice fathers experiencing temporary blindness after a blast of baby boy urine to the eyes. I recommend wearing a welder’s helmet along with cotton balls stuffed in each nostril when changing diapers.
Experts claim girls are easier and faster to potty train than boys. I reckon that’s true since I’m 58 and still peeing behind rose bushes and parked cars.
A little girl will ask dad to join her and her dolls in her room for a tea party. Meanwhile, boys will get their dads out in the hot summer sun tossing a baseball around. Yep, a dad with a girl sweats less.
Having a daughter means you won’t wake up from your nap on a July afternoon from the sound of a red ant bed erupting from an improvised explosive device constructed of a coffee can and leftover Black Cats.
When you have a daughter, you probably won’t find a mangled bicycle from a failed attempt to clear the hedgerow by using a ramp made of a 2×6 plank and cinderblocks.
The parents of a little girl aren’t likely to find a horny toad in their kid’s school lunchbox.
Okay, I ought to warn you greenhorns that daughters are easier to raise only in early childhood. Teenage girls will turn your hair gray and get you addicted to Tums. You will have a good 15 years of parenthood until you hear that dreaded four-letter word: Prom.
Well, rest easy because I am going to share how I handled prom night. When the young lad comes to pick up your daughter, have him sit at the kitchen table with you while you are sharpening your pocket knife. Keep the conversation light, at first. Chat about sports for a while, and then tell him how many bull calves you’ve castrated with that knife in your hand. Not only will your daughter make it home by curfew, but she’ll probably arrive two hours early.
One last thing, dads. No matter how big you are or how tough you think you are, when you are walking your little girl down the aisle to the altar, you may well be the one crying like a baby.
Clint Younts is an old softy when it comes to his daughters.