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Ken, meet Bubba Roy

Have y’all heard that Mattel has come out with a new Ken doll that supposedly resembles today’s men more than the old Ken? This new Ken is described as having a “dad bod”. I’m not sure how many dads look like this doll with his 6-pack abs, straight back and hairless body, but I suppose there might be a few young dads out in California with this physique.

Mattel wants more diversity in their dolls so the new Ken comes in different styles and skin tones. One even sports a man bun. This Ken probably comes wearing a romper and matching slippers. Another one looks like he’d be more attracted to GI Joe than Barbie, but what do I know? I don’t think any of these Kens resemble us men down here in Texas, and it is rumored that Barbie and her sister, Skipper, have a thing for country boys.

Like a methane bubble in the baby’s bath water, an idea popped up in my dusty skull. Why doesn’t Mattel design a doll that resembles us fellas living out here in the country? Maybe Barbie is tired of dating those clean-cut, fancy duds-wearing city slickers and would like to two-step with a real cowboy or attend a chili cook-off with a farm boy. Since Mattel headquarters sits in El Segundo, California, perhaps the designers of the new Ken dolls don’t know what real men look like.

Well, I’m fixin’ to shake up the doll industry and undoubtedly rock Barbie’s world as I introduce a man doll that resembles us country boys down here in Texas. It’s only in the design stage, meaning it’s rolling around in my head, but I expect a call from Mattel shortly after this paper hits the news stands. For all y’all avid readers, here is a sneak peak of the next boyfriend of Barbie. His name is Bubba Roy.

First of all, Bubba Roy won’t have 6-pack abs. Being a good ol’ country boy, Bubba likes his beer and will be sporting a spare tire below his hairy chest. This doll will be slightly hunched over from years of haulin’ hay and diggin’ post holes. Bubba Roy will have patchy whiskers beneath his sunburned cheeks, and there’s a small scar on his forehead from getting hit with a beer bottle after pinching the bottom of an angry barmaid.

As for Bubba Roy’s attire, he will come with two sets of clothes: a winter outfit and his summer attire. For our 2-week winter season here in Texas, Bubba will don bib overalls and a plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves ripped off that will clash with his green John Deere cap. For most of the year, Bubba Roy will wear cut-off jeans and a T-shirt with four different stains down the front. And in the summer, Bubba likes to wear his sweat-stained yellow cap that reads ‘Got Beer’?

As an extra feature, I will give Bubba Roy two big, calloused hands with kung fu grip so he can hold a beer can in one hand and a TV remote in the other. I’m guessing that the Ken doll that Malibu Barbie once dated never held anything but his cell phone. That’s why Barbie left him and started seeing Stretch Armstrong.

Y’all recall that Barbie drives a pink convertible, right? Well, there ain’t no way Bubba Roy would own a car like that. Ol’ Bubba Roy will be kickin’ up dust behind the wheel of a ‘94 Chevy truck with a homemade plywood camper in the bed and a set of deer antlers wired to the grill. The passenger seat will be yanked out and replaced by a Yeti cooler, and the glove compartment will be held shut by Gorilla Tape.

Now, I don’t know when Bubba Roy will appear on the shelves at Toys-R-Us, but if Mattel receives enough complaints about the goofy new Ken, I expect Bubba Roy to sell hotter than Tickle-Me Elmo. Until then, Barbie will have to sneak on the army base to find a real man.

Clint Younts would look a lot like his new Bubba Roy doll. His wife, though, might appreciate the look of a man like the Ken doll. Maybe ole Younts could try growing a manbun. (And the crowd bursts out laughing …)

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