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Long lines at Potty Checkpoint

I reckon it’s about time I pitch in my two cents in the pot where Senate Bill 6, aka the Bathroom Bill, continues to swirl around and emit a scent foul enough to run off hungry buzzards. It’s a sad day in Texas when we have to have legislation on the use of a crapper, although it’s not the first law passed on using a toilet. About 37 years ago, a bill went into effect down in Beeville, Texas. I don’t recollect the exact verbiage of this law, but it was something like “Put the darn toilet seat down, dang it!” I’ll tell you what, if you left the toilet seat up in my household, and there was a splashdown in the middle of the night, violating that Bathroom Bill was a capital offense.

As for this new bill on who can and cannot use specific public toilets is raising a bigger stink than an overturned outhouse. Personally, I don’t give a poot on which bathroom a person uses. At my age, I don’t care who is standing at the next urinal as long as I get to empty my bladder before my urinary sphincter takes early retirement.

I do have a few questions concerning this bathroom bill if it does get passed and becomes a law. First of all, who will be enforcing the law? Homeland Security maybe, or perhaps the Department of Waste Management? Perhaps some agency like the TSA will be created to screen all potty-goers in public buildings? They could name it the PSA for Potty Selection Administration. Someone must be outside every stinkin’ bathroom to make sure the right gender enters his/her designated restroom. I doubt any politician has thought about high cost of bathroom screening if this bill passes.

So, if there’s gonna be a checkpoint in public buildings to screen all toilet travelers, what kind of monitoring will they use? Lower body scans or manual pat-downs? Will we have to remove our shoes as we approach the security gate? If these lines are anything like the ones at airports, I’d like to keep my shoes on. There’s no telling what we’ll find on the floor.

Maybe we’ll have to drop trou as we step up to the agent? I hope it’s not real cold in these buildings, if you know what I mean.

If someone with a weak bladder gets antsy standing in line, sweating and squirming as he waits, he might be suspected as being a toilet terrorist and led away for a strip search. This may be considered profiling, but for the safety of folks who want to pee among their own sex, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

I’m hoping for little kids, pregnant women and old fogies like me, there will be an express line. How about being pre-approved like TSA does? Or perhaps showing an X-ray of your enlarged prostate to get you through security faster? Has our governor even thought about all the senior citizens who helped get him elected? I guarantee he won’t get re-elected if a lot of voters mess in their drawers waiting in line to use the john.

And what happens when some transgender potty-goer gets caught entering the wrong bathroom? Are we talking a citation or jail time? Maybe repeat violators will be banned from all public restrooms and placed on the No Pee List.

I don’t know if this Bathroom Bill will end up getting passed, but like most legislation, it will move as slow as a chunk of cheese in a constipated mouse. But if it does become a law and all public potty patrons must be screened, I think I will invest in adult diapers.    

Clint Younts. We’ll all just let him stand in line … and wait … and wait … and then watch him run for the door.

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