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Watch for lunatics in Aisle 9

Most of y’all know that I’m somewhat a country boy. I live out in what used to be ranching country and still raise a few head of cows. I know a lot about a few things and a little bit about a lot of things, but when I venture into the city, I witness stuff that leaves my jaw agape and my head spinning. I got me a formal education with a sheepskin and all, but I simply don’t understand city folks and things some of ‘em do.

First off, let me ask y’all a question that might just explain the disturbing events and bizarre sights I recently witnessed. Is it a normal practice of psychiatric hospitals and insane asylums to release their patients on Saturdays so they can all go shopping at HEB? Huh? How else do you explain all the wackadoodles that converge in the parking lot of HEB every weekend?

I have gotten accustomed to seeing one or two nut-jobs at any given store on a weekday, but, my gosh, how many vacuous-skulled wackos do we have living in this county? And why in blue blazes do they all have to be at the same store that I need to visit to pick up one little item?

Let’s discuss what I am talking about here, but allow me a second to pop open a can of my blood pressure medicine. Okay, I’m ready. First of all, what driving school teaches folks that it is legal and apparently appropriate to stop your car and block two lanes of traffic just to wait for a parking spot near the store? Oh, don’t mind that there is a long line of cars in both lanes waiting for you to park just so you don’t get winded walking your lazy butt an extra 50 feet.

And is there some psychological disorder that makes folks walk right in the smack-dab center of the parking row instead of closer to the parked cars so other cars can drive past them? Are they afraid some evil clown will pop out of a trunk and grab them? And do they really think a grocery cart full of Doritos, Pop-Tarts and diet sodas will protect them from a half-ton truck?

I’ve also noticed that when the loony bins open their doors, the residents don’t have time to get all dressed up. I have seen folks wearing workout attire, bathing suits and pajamas going into HEB. Now, I don’t get all spruced up when I head to the store to get another case of blood pressure medication, but then, I never get dressed up unless somebody I know is either getting married or buried.

I also see a lot of gals wearing baseball caps and not a lick of make-up. It’s like there is a code that allows women to look their worst and get away with it as long as they’re pushing a grocery cart. And I don’t know how these women drive their cars, but if it’s anything like the way they drive their grocery carts, Lord help us all.

I try to follow common rules of the road as I travel down the aisles. I keep to the right, slow down at intersections and yield to pedestrians, and yet I have been involved in some near-fatal collisions exiting the cereal aisle, sending me and my Cap’n Crunch into the ditch. And most of the time, while I am checking myself for whiplash, the other buggy-pusher has fled the scene. I’m lucky to be alive, I’ll tell you what.

So, if any of y’all are shopping at HEB on any given Saturday, I can darn-near guarantee you that you won’t see me in the store or its parking lot. But there is a good possibility you’ll see me heading into the nearby apothecary for another bottle of snakebite remedy. They don’t let crazy folks in there.

Clint Younts does like to take his blood pressure medicine. And, heck, you won’t see HIM putting on makeup to go out in public. Nope, that’s his natural ol’ self.

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