That’s a wrap

Well, Christmas is almost here. I’ve finished all my shopping and never even had to step into a store thanks to online shopping and free home delivery. I have the Christmas tree up and outside, our house is lit up like a room of potheads in Colorado. Since I did all these tasks weeks ago, I’ve had time on my hands and the Christmas spirit in my heart, so, being a jolly, old elf, I volunteered to wrap all the presents for the young’uns. What a mistake!

I’m normally pretty skillful at building stuff and fixing things. I have assisted in delicate surgeries on dogs, and I have performed numerous transgender operations on bull calves. Even at my age, my calloused hands can still capably handle a knife and scissors, and I am pretty good applying bandages. So, why in the name of Saint Nicholas do I have such a hard time wrapping Christmas presents? 

You’d think in 55+ years of wrapping presents, I’d be pretty good at it, but no! A one-armed baboon wearing a catcher’s mitt could wrap a prettier present than me. It seems like every year, someone sitting around our Christmas tree picks up a present and after a quick inspection of the wrap job says, “I know who this is from.”

I do fairly well getting the paper wrapped around the four sides of a box, but I  just can’t for the life of me get the end flaps to fold neatly. The wrapping paper at the ends of my presents are wadded up like rejection letters from an inspiring dyslexic writer.

I have similar issues putting diapers on babies. I can cover the front and backside just fine and dandy, but properly securing the flaps on the sides has always been my and the diapers’ downfall.

And what’s the trick to tying the ribbon around the gift? I can string five strands of barbed wire so straight and tight that you could strum the fence like a banjo. But when I try strapping a ribbon around a pathetically wrapped present, it promptly slides down like the pants of a sweaty plumber. I simply cannot fathom how pert-near every woman on Earth can tie a ribbon neatly and tightly around a present without having to use half a roll of Scotch tape.

One year I substituted red electrical tape for the satin ribbons. Having an anxious four-year old throwing a fit because he can’t unwrap his present puts a damper on a festive event, I’ll tell you what.

Now, I must say I have no problem attaching a bow to my Christmas presents. That’s fairly easy with the help of my Black & Decker staple gun. Three or four well-placed staples along with a dab of Gorilla glue will hold that stinkin’ bow on the box for a lifetime.

Next year, I may click the option on my online orders to have the gift wrapped. Sure, it costs a little more, but it would greatly reduce my stress and egg nog consumption. Or maybe I will just buy a mess of those holiday gift bags. Even an old, bumbling cowpoke like me could toss a toy in a sack.

Well, if I don’t see y’all during the holidays, allow me to wish y’all all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Clint Younts nicely put a bow on his column and sent it in. The readers greatly appreciate his efforts.

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