The Crow takes on movements

Today, I’d like to talk about movements. No, Bubba, not those kind of movements, although there are some similarities in the kinds I have in mind. I’m talking about certain movements against some social injustice. Most of them are essential in revealing morally wrong and possibly criminal activities of some corrupt individuals or crowds, but like other kinds of movements, there should be a beginning and a definite end.
For example, the anti-Confederacy movement aimed to improve racial equality. At first, it removed the Confederate flag from public settings. I didn’t have a big problem with that. Later on, school mascots and fight songs were banned. Then, like a faulty septic tank upon a hill, the movement spilled into the streets and city parks. Public schools and city streets were renamed, and statues of Confederate heroes disappeared. This movement needs a dose of Imodium.
Another movement that might need a dose of Pepto is the #MeToo movement. Now, don’t get me wrong. I stand firmly beside all these women who were harassed and abused, and I will gladly offer my skill in castration in fixing those evil men out in Hollywood, in college heath clinics, Olympic training facilities and elsewhere who prey on innocent women. The #MeToo movement is vital to root out these nasty villains, but someone needs to apply the brakes and slow down this locomotive.
Just recently, the Miss America Pageant announced it will no longer have the contestants parade around in swimsuits. To some, this was considered demeaning to women, so they tossed the bathing suits out the window. Next year, the contestants will have to dress ladylike and display their talents to the mostly female viewers who couldn’t find anything better to watch on Netflix.
Look, the Miss America Pageant has always been a beauty pageant and not a talent show. Back when I watched the show, before the invention of satellite dishes and cable boxes, I recall very few of those beauties would’ve ever made it on stage as a singer. Some vocal performances sounded like an intact tomcat misjudged the height of the picket fence in the backyard. And plucking on a ukulele or shaking some maracas just didn’t give me goose bumps.
Hey, if women find the pageant demeaning, by all means let’s stop doing it. But don’t stop with just one show. There are the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants to consider, too. Pass out some robes to all those beautiful women who object to being ogled by millions of viewers.
Now, if the driver of the #MeToo movement doesn’t start tapping the brakes, I foresee other changes to our struggling society. I seem to recollect that Playboy magazine stopped publishing nude pictures back in 2017, but returned to having nekkid girls this year after a drop in sales. Go figure. But with the #MeToo movement on a nationwide tour, I expect in the near future, some young fella being very disappointed when he unfolds the centerfold and sees the Playmate of the Month wearing bib overalls and a flannel shirt.
I foresee 2019 calendars in the office of auto mechanics will have some gal in greasy coveralls showing off her big lug wrench. I expect to see lots of drunk patrons leaving strip joints with their pockets still stuffed with $1 bills. Who wants to watch a gal dance around a pole wearing a complete fireman’s suit?
I understand the #MeToo movement is no laughing matter, and what it has achieved so far is very important to not just the women in this country but to the few decent men among us. It seems like there are way too many men in the public eye who are nothing but snakes in the grass. I might joke about the movement, but I have no tolerance of nasty snakes. All I ask is when you are in my neighborhood, please tap those brakes and slow down a little.

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