I reckon most of y’all have been keeping up with the hullabaloo out in DC with Brett Kavanaugh and the mess he’s in. And I bet many of y’all are confused on who’s telling the truth. If y’all are wondering what my view is on all this insanity, well, I don’t know what to tell you. I wasn’t at the party, but I would like to hear the truth.
It seems like there’re lots of sex scandals these days. Bill Cosby, TV newsmen, movie stars and even priests are committing heinous acts. It’s in the news every stinkin’ day. And now, there’s another scandal that is floating around like a dark cloud over an uncapped septic tank that I believe we need to put to rest.
There’s a rumor going around that over on Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie are more than just roommates. Some folks, including a writer for the show, are claiming they are a gay couple. Hey, I don’t have a problem with that at all, but there are a mess of folks with cerebral constriction who are all upset. I am so tired of fake news and wild accusations cluttering up social media and the morning news. For once, I’d like to hear the truth.
So, since I am a world-renown investigative reporter (is that snickering I hear?), I have decided to uncover the truth about Bert and Ernie and share it with all y’all. Through extensive research and interviews with fellow celebrities, I believe I discovered what inquiring minds want to know.
I first paid a visit to Happy Hands Retirement Home where many famous puppets now reside, and I was able to conduct numerous interviews. Howdy Doody, 76, claims he and Bert used to pal around back in the mid-60s, cruising Hollywood bars in search of single women. He added neither was very successful, and Bert moved out east to start a new life.
I was going to interview ALF, but learned ICE arrested him last week and had him deported. I did bump into Kukla, Fran and Ollie who were all quite informative, although I suspect Kukla has a touch of dementia. They had no knowledge of what’s happening over on Sesame Street, but told me some good gossip. Apparently Fred Rogers and Lady Fairchilde were an item back in ’71, and Captain Kangaroo caught Mr. Green Jeans being a little too friendly with Mr. Moose. Sadly, I was informed that Shari Lewis fell upon hard times and had to make stew out of Lamb Chop.
I decided that if I wanted the truth, I needed to go to Sesame Street and dig around there. The first fellow I met there was The Count. I asked him about the rumor, and he listed numerous reasons why he thought Bert and Ernie were gay, but he had no proof.
I had a short visit with Elmo. When I asked him about the rumor, Elmo got tickled and began laughing hysterically. I decided to move on down the street where I ran into Grover. When I inquired about Bert and Ernie’s sexual preference, he doubted they were gay. He said, “Not once did either of them make a pass at me, and I run around naked all the time.”
I was getting a little discouraged when I bumped into Oscar the Grouch. When I questioned him, Oscar said, “Living out on the street, you see a lot, but I got nothing to tell you about my friends here. What they do is their business. If you want a story, go check out those Muppets. There’s a dang frog dating a pig. That just ain’t right! And Beeker, that goofy lab assistant! I hear he’s cooking meth and selling it to those guys at Fraggle Rock.”
My last interview was with a doctor who has her practice on Sesame Street, Dr. Mary Onette. She said, “I can assure you there’s definitely no hanky-panky going on between them. I have examined both Bert and Ernie and neither one has genitalia”.
Well, I reckon I failed at finding the truth about Bert and Ernie. So much for winning the Pulitzer this year. I reckon I’ll go back to writing fake news.
Clint Younts is old enough to have watched all of these ‘people’ on shows as a child. He probably watches them today with his grandchildren. God bless them.