Well, it’s 2019 and I reckon I’m supposed to make some changes. Most folks call them New Year’s resolutions, but that’s too much to type, especially when I have one of my four typing fingers in a splint. Don’t ask. It involved a hammer, nail and poor eyesight. So I am not typing at my normal speed of 6 words per minute.
So, what changes should I make this year? I don’t recall my resolution from last year, but I think it was to work on improving my memory. If it was to lose weight, I achieved that shortly after trying to eat healthy and dining on nothing but Romaine lettuce for a week. You’ll be glad to know I have regained my weight and my senses, thanks to Whataburger and beer.
You know, my 2018 resolution might’ve been to stop procrastinating. I’ll have to go look it up later today, or maybe tomorrow. Or did I say I was going to become a serious journalist in 2018? I can’t recall every column I wrote last year, but I think I improved as a writer because every time I hand a new column to my editor, she reads it and says, “Are you serious?”
So, what changes should I make for this year? Now, don’t bother suggesting that I should eat better. You can just take a look at me and see I am real good at eating. My fork rarely misses my mouth, and I don’t drip salsa on my shirt very often. No sir, I don’t need any improvement in eating.
Some of my peers work out at the YMCA. I hear exercise is good for the heart. If that’s true, then why do they have defibrillators hanging on the walls at the gym? That’s like having a blood glucose tester at a candy store. Naw, if I want to have a cardio workout, I just ask my wife to hide the TV remote.
Y’know, for my 2019 resolution, I think I will try to step on fewer toes. In the past, before I became a serious journalist, I might’ve poked fun at certain individuals or specific groups of elected idiots. I might’ve irritated a few folks who don’t share my catawampus view on life, liberty and liquor. Hey, life’s too short to have folks mad at you, so I will try my darnedest to be civilized and, dare I say it?, more PC.
I resolve not to say anything derogatory about our current president. There are lots of folks out there who think he’s the best thing since internet porn, but I just don’t have much respect for Mr. Trump as a president or a human life form. In the past, I might’ve said some bad things about him, making him sound like a total moron. Well, here in 2019, I’ll stop doing that and let him do it by himself.
I won’t bad-mouth all those senators and other cerebrally-impaired individuals who quibble like a bunch of spoiled little brats over money while federal employees watch their bank accounts shrink every day of this government shutdown.
I thought I’d add two cents into the discussion over Kevin Hart and the Academy Awards, but those folks out in Hollywood are nuttier than the buffet table at a squirrel’s wedding reception. The Academy gets upset over something the comedian said once during his comedy routine, but they don’t have a problem releasing terrible movies loaded with offensive language and subject matter. I just don’t get it.
In 2019, I won’t fuss about all those horrible drivers up in Austin who cruise the streets with their phones in the hands and their heads up their butts. Instead of complaining about them, I will just stay here in Hays County and complain about these idiot drivers who moved here from Austin.
If y’all are thinking I’ve already broken my New Year’s resolution, the joke’s on you. I’m writing this column on December 29, 2018. I don’t have to be nice for two more days. Happy new year!
Clint Younts is a nice guy. Really. Quit laughing.