Shut up and open up

Do y’all remember back as kids when you and your friends would meet to play two-below football? And the one guy who brought the football said, “I want to play quarterback today.”

Well, that guy couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn, so no one would agree to let him be QB on their team. He got all huffy and said, “Well, if I can’t be quarterback, then I’m leaving.”

And since he had the only football, no one got to play. That’s kinda like why we have government shutdowns.

Now, as I’m typing this column with three good fingers, our government is still shut down and more than 800,000 Americans aren’t receiving a paycheck from Uncle Sam. I’m not pointing fingers at who’s at fault because I believe both sides are wrong. Trump says the wall is all about national security, yet thousands of FBI, DEA and ATF agents are sitting at home watching TV instead of out catching bad guys.

Our friends at TSA and those up in the air traffic control towers aren’t getting paid, so air travel is a little sketchy if you ask me. The FDA and USDA, the folks who inspect and monitor the food and medication we consume, aren’t watching over us, keeping us safe. The Coast Guard and Homeland Security aren’t fully staffed, and those who are working aren’t being paid. This shutdown scares me more than some starving immigrants sneaking across the border.

Hey, who knows, this shutdown may be over by the time my column appears in the newspaper. Democrats and Republicans could come to some agreement. Trump and Nancy Pelosi may kiss and make up. And we may see a clear video of Bigfoot feeding an apple to a unicorn. But if our government is still shut down, I have some ideas that might help during this crisis.

To assist the understaffed TSA, we ask folks like Les Moonves, Matt Lauer, Bill Cosby and R Kelly to volunteer their services in pat-downs in airports. I bet a few Catholic priests and other folks with wandering hands might also volunteer to help with airport security.

Since the Smithsonian and the National Archives are closed, I suggest that we get some Jeopardy champions and that know-it-all that sits at the end of the bar to volunteer their time and knowledge to stand outside the museums and answers questions for all the tourists who are visiting Washington D.C.

The National Weather Service is also shut down, so how will our local meteorologists get information about upcoming weather? Well, there are several old geezers with arthritis who can help out there. We know when there is a cold front approaching without watching the weather report. Heck, I could even do a decent job forecasting the weather. “Folks, there will be a big change in the weather tonight. I predict it will get cooler and darker tonight, but should get warmer and brighter after sunrise. And tomorrow, there’s a 50% chance of rain. Either it will rain or it won’t.”

And what about helping with border security, you ask? I propose we set up free shooting ranges along the Rio Grande. We get Cabela’s to donate ammo and HEB to donate cold beer. Then we’ll have thousands of drunk rednecks shootin’ stuff up. All those immigrants looking for safe refuge might turn around and head back home.

I think a better way to strengthen our national security and possibly ending this government shutdown is to stop paying all those clowns in Washington and get every Secret Service agent to transfer to other agencies. After a few days hiding under his desk, Trump might just end this nonsense and let federal employees get back to work. In the meanwhile, we Americans need to find someone else who has a football.

Just bring ole Clint a case of Lone Star beer and he’ll make sure there are no trespassers coming across his border – the confines of the Crow’s Nest.

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