Well, I never

There’s been a boatload of hype over the new season of Game of Thrones, some show on HBO, I think. Even though we get free HBO, I don’t watch much on those channels. Mostly just a mess of stupid movies and, according to millions of fans, one of the best shows ever made. Well, folks, I must confess to all y’all here and now that I have never watched Game of Thrones. Not a single episode. Okay, once while I was surfing through the channels looking for something to watch that didn’t involve home renovation or spoiled cantankerous housewives, I checked out Game of Thrones for a little bit to see what the fuss was all about. To be honest, I just wasn’t impressed. Granted, I did tune in somewhere in the middle of an episode and had no idea what was going on. Kinda like watching a foreign film without your reading glasses.

Lots of folks have encouraged me to watch it. They say I can “stream it”. I’m sorry but I don’t know what streaming is. My urologist once asked me about my stream, but I don’t know how to get my TV to do it. Maybe I can go to Blockbuster and rent the complete series on video tape.

I don’t watch a whole lot of TV, except from early September to Super Bowl Sunday. During football season, I have to run a mister in my den to keep my television from overheating, but the rest of the year, I watch a few shows here and there. There are only a few programs that can keep me from dozing off in my recliner. I bet the only show that I can watch without nodding off is Wheel of Fortune, and after a margarita or two with my dinner, that’s even a little iffy.

Hey, while I’m here disclosing to y’all about my TV viewing habits, why don’t I confess about other things I’ve never done. Some of y’all probably think I’m some sort of high falutin, big shot news reporter who travels the world searching for a big story. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m a simple man with a simple mind.

I have never visited New York City. Never wanted to and reckon I never will. There’s nothing there I wanna see. Lots of tall buildings and a mess of rude people cluttered on the sidewalks like ants on a busted melon. I can go to Austin to see that.

I have never ridden in a subway or had a colonoscopy. I’m not sure I’d enjoy either of these subterranean excursions.

I have never left a half-empty mug of beer on my table.

To my best recollection, I have never seen the Pacific Ocean. I once had a long layover in the LA airport, but that was my only time in California, and I was so happy to board my flight to Nevada. I suppose there are a few friendly folks living in LA, but they sure don’t work in the airport.

I have never seen Bigfoot or an alien spaceship.

I have never had the desire to skydive. I’m not real fond of flying in an airplane, and I’m darn-tootin’ not gonna pay good money to jump out of one. Maybe if a wing falls off at 30,000 feet, I’ll strap on a parachute and jump out of a plane, but I’ll leave skydiving to y’all with more guts and less brains.

I have never seen such a sorry bunch of elected officials running our country as we have right now.

I have seen both Willie and Waylon in concert, but I have never seen Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga live on stage.

I have never rooted for the New England Patriots or Washington Redskins.

And lastly, I have never won a Pulitzer Prize for writing this column.


While Clint Younts has not won a Pulitzer Prize, he has been recognized by the South Texas Press Association over the years for his humor. Hmmm … they probably didn’t understand it.

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