Area 51: D-Day for Dimwits

Okay now, who wants to join me in raiding Area 51 next week? I just know the U.S. government has a bunch of geriatric aliens from outer space holed up behind those concrete walls. Probably some cool flying saucers, too. Who knows what else they have hidden in their secret compound? Maybe Bigfoot, a few chupacabras and perhaps even Elvis working in the mess hall. Inquiring minds want to know.

Now before y’all start thinking I’ve done lost my mind, let me assure you that I’m just joking about invading Area 51. First of all, if I’m going to take a trip next week, I bet I can find a spot a bit cooler and prettier than some desert in Nevada. If I want to spend my vacation in some arid, dusty location that’s hotter than the doorknob to hell, then I’d just stay here in Texas.

Another reason that I’m not attempting to invade Area 51 is the simple fact that the fellas guarding this government facility are highly-trained professionals and likely a bit on the tough side. Sure, I can sneak in my house late at night after hog hunting and not disturb the missus, but I doubt I can get within a half mile of Area 51 without getting an army-issued boot placed upon my derriere.

Although the Invasion of Area 51 began as a joke on Facebook, more than 20 million internet junkies have clicked “Going” to this event on Sept. 20. The creator of this post is stunned at all the publicity it has received and can’t believe there are people taking it seriously. I’m not sure why the guy picked the 20th which is a Friday. You’d think a weekend invasion would be better. More working folks could attend instead of those 20 millions millennials living with their parents. Plus, on a Saturday, all those guards would be sitting around watching college football and drinking beer. We could just stroll right up to the compound and peek in the windows.

So, here’s some advice for all y’all who are planning to take part in this invasion. First of all, wear a hat and buy some good running shoes. Flipflops won’t protect your feet from the burning sand or the snakes and scorpions who reside in the desert. And it is very difficult to run zigzag at breakneck speed trying to dodge all those bullets when you’re wearing sandals.

Oh, make sure somebody in the group brings a ladder to scale the walls. Haven’t y’all watched movies about the Alamo or Fort Apache? You gotta have a ladder!

Something else y’all conspiracy theorists should know is that there is no Starbucks anywhere close to Area 51. Y’all had better get a thermos of coffee before heading out into this desolate land.

Oh, by the way, or as you young-uns say these days, BTW, I seriously doubt you’ll have a decent WiFi connection out there. Maybe you can pick up the internet from the network at the military base, but I’m thinking their WiFi password isn’t 1234.

You might’ve seen that popular Facebook post saying “They can’t stop us all?” Um, I know what kind of security and weapons the military has out there in Area 51. I’m betting that of the 20 millions Facebookers who clicked “Going,” only a hundred dimwits actually show up, and they will be stopped by the time they step past the first sign that reads “No Trespassing.”

Hey, I read that if this raid is successful, there will be another invasion in the near future, but this one will be in the Bermuda Triangle. I do like beach vacations and Bermuda sounds nice, so I might actually sign up for that invasion. Unless it is scheduled at the same time I am going fishing at Loch Ness.

Clint Younts likes the beach better than the desert. Now, if Area 51 was in Port Aransas, he’d be there in a heartbeat.


Comment on this Article

About Author


Comments are closed.