Alert! Alert! This is a test. This is only a test. A test of the Congressional Re-Arrival Warning System. Residents of the District of Colombia should remain on the lookout for male and female politicians walking the streets disguised as normal citizens. Although expert at camouflage, they can be recognized, notably by the crisp lines of their plumage, consisting mostly of dark business suits, but also by the incessant habit of spending every waking hour dialing district donors for dark dirty dollars.
The second week of September is traditionally when all 535 members of the 116th Congress reconvene, ostensibly refreshed for the arduous 33 days of work scheduled between now and Thanksgiving.
Caution: Do not approach or attempt to interact with these seemingly mild-mannered bureaucrats, as they are often irritable and unpredictable after spending lengthy periods amongst family and constituents, depending on which vacational ventures were undertaken.
Fortunately, through a complex network of research grants, internet searches and educated guesses, we here at Durstco were able to determine the recreational activities engaged in by many of America’s movers and shakers these past couple of months and are proud to present them now in a feature we like to call: HOW THEY SPENT THEIR SUMMER VACATIONS.
• Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell went to vocabulary camp, learning how to say “no” in 23 different languages.
• Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Switzerland for a charisma implant but, alas, his system rejected it and the donor died.
• Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren binge-watched all 8 seasons of Game of Thrones. But didn’t get it.
• President Donald Trump managed to bring his golf handicap below his body temperature for the first time since contracting malaria. Malaria, not Melania.
• Vice President Mike Pence spent a lot of time being seen reading the Bible in the presence of his wife.
• Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders held a series of mock debates with himself and lost to Kamala Harris every time.
• Former Congressman Mark Sanford hiked another Appalachian Trail, where he was hit by a bolt of Republican lightning.
• Donald Trump Jr. took a hurricane-tracking course in order to better advise his father.
• National Security Advisor John Bolton got his talons sharpened.
• Beto O’Rourke spent 3 weeks in physical therapy learning to talk with his hands stapled to the outside of his thighs.
• Wisconsin Congressman James Sensenbrenner achieved higher consciousness after two weeks in an Oneida sweat lodge.
• Eric Trump was sent on a month-long snipe hunt by White House handlers.
• Andrew Yang practiced casting a reflection in a mirror.
• Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had a sleep-over at Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s house and the two got into a pillow fight resulting in 2 broken lamps and a quick trip to the emergency room.
• Cory Booker added Antonio Brown to his fantasy football team.
• Marianne Williamson presented a spirited defense of her Summer League Competitive Yoga title.
• Tom Steyer built a phone tree filled with recalcitrant billionaires.
• Amy Klobuchar organized sensitivity training retreats in various yurts around northern Minnesota.
• Mayor Pete Buttigieg baked and froze a series of casseroles for the South Bend Indiana Police Lodge’s Annual Autumn Pot-Luck Dinner.
• And finally, Melania, not malaria, Melania Trump wandered the Northern Mediterranean Coast scoping out possible new rich daddies for Barron.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.