No 2020 vision for this Old Crow

Well, it’s January and I reckon it’s time for me to publicly announce my New Year’s resolution. I’m a little late this year in making my announcement, kinda like Jerry Jones, because I haven’t quite decided what changes I need to make. At my age, making life changes is like adding a fourth wall to a pyramid. What’s that adage about teaching an old dog new tricks? I’m sorry, but this old cur is happy just to be able to pee on a tree.

As for resolutions, I can scratch off “Lose weight” from the list I made back in 2001, and I oughta scratch off “Make a new list of resolutions.” I can proudly say that for the first time in a long while, I am at a respectable weight right now. I know much of my success has to do with cutting back on sugar intake, a low fat diet and more exercise, but I believe that prep I had to do for my colonoscopy helped me lose at least 10 pounds. I had to wear suspenders to hold up my drawers after that eruptive event.

Last year I decided to eat healthier meals. This was tough, but I managed to keep that resolution. Now I get green beans as my side when I order a chicken fried steak instead of asking for a double helping of French fries. I have added more tomatoes to my diet by smothering my burritos with extra salsa, and I also consume more corn now by having a couple of corndogs for lunch once a week. Sometimes you have to make huge sacrifices in order to live longer.

As for this year’s resolution, I just couldn’t decide what to do, so I went on social media for suggestions. Big mistake! One Facebook friend, who incidentally is an actual friend, shared a post titled “Try Vegan this January with Veganuary.” I won’t permanently block this friend for posting such an absurd idea on my page, but I may snooze her for 30 days.

Speaking of wacky ideas, who has tried Burger King’s Impossible Whopper? The TV ads make us think this meatless hamburger tastes just as good as a real Whopper. There’s even a fella in the commercial who’s dressed like a cowboy. If he really can’t tell the difference in a veggie burger and real beef, then that cowboy is all hat, no cattle. I’ll tell you what’s impossible about this Whopper: Seeing me eating one.

Last week an ad popped up on my phone informing me that a new health food restaurant has opened in San Marcos. If dumb ads like this keep appearing on this fairly smart phone, I will toss it in the trash and plug my old phone back into the wall.

Speaking of ads, I am sick and tired of all the TV commercials and email offers to join a gym this year. Ain’t gonna happen. Look, if I’m gonna go out and sweat like a plow horse, I dang-well want to get paid for doing so. I’m not about to pay some company just so I can drip sweat on their floor. And all those ads for a Peloton bike are ridiculous. I reckon some agoraphobic Millennial may want one of those expensive bicycles, but if I want to do a cardio workout and ride a bike, I will pedal down the road, see the countryside and actually go some place, like a beer joint.

I did start an exercise regime for a while. I would get on Facebook and scroll down the page, deleting obnoxious posts and blocking really ignorant people. I did this for about a week, but all that clicking took its toll on my trigger finger so I had to quit.

I reckon I will just wait until 2021 to make any resolutions, after I scratch off “Stop procrastinating” from my 2001 list.  Happy New Year, y’all!

We await Clint Younts’ 2021 list of resolutions. Will it say “no beer this year?” Naah… that’s never going to happen.

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