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Quarantine blues

Well, folks, here we are in our 5th week of home quarantine, or is it 6 weeks? Heck, I don’t know. I can’t even keep track of the days of the week. It used to be easy because I have only seven pairs of drawers, one for each day. Nowadays, I may go two or three days without a bath, so I could be wearing my Tuesday drawers on Friday. I might wear the same pair even longer if it weren’t for those pesky gnats hoverin’ around me as I sit drinking cold beer ‘neath the shade tree.

I also have trouble finding a subject to write about. It’s hard to think of anything funny while there are so many people out there suffering from that stinkin’ virus or financial hardship, but, with all this free time on my hands, I might as well spend a few hours typing and correcting all the typos on a column. I had to turn off that dang spell
check feature on this here computer ‘cause it draws a red line ‘neath pert near every word I type.

If y’all are wonderin’ what else I do during my quarantine, well it’s nothing much differ’nt from what I do on a rainy day. In the past month I’ve seen half dozen John Wayne movies. The good thing about having a poor memory, you can watch the same movie every week and still not know how it ends.

I don’t watch many of those original series on Netflix and Hulu. Lots of people do, but how the heck can you watch two or three series on the same day and not get ‘em confused? That’s why I watch westerns. There’s a beginning, a middle and an end all wrapped up in a two-hour movie. I don’t like to sit through 11 episodes of some show and then watch the series finale just to say, “Well, that was a waste of 12 hours”.

My wife has been working jigsaw puzzles for the past month. Shelikes doing them, but I don’t have the patience or keen eyesight to do it for long. I tried helping her on one particular puzzle but she asked me to stop after she caught me trimming some pieces with my pocket knife.

I enjoy working crossword puzzles while I eat lunch. I can usually finish a NY Times Sunday crossword in an hour, depending on the beverage I use to wash down my PB&J sandwich. And, like my trick on jigsaw puzzles, if you trim words with apostrophes, you can get ‘em to fit a lot easier.

If it’s a nice day, I have plenty of stuff to do outside. All this rain has left the grass and weeds so tall that I can barely see my broke-down ranch truck parked out in the front yard. I’d go mow around that truck if I could find my lawnmower. It’s somewhere in the backyard.

I spend a lot of time on my tractor mowing the pasture. I normally steer around all the bluebonnets if I see any in my path, but with the grass so high, it’s hard to spot them. The weeds are so tall, the other day I mowed over my bull, Big Charlie. Now I call him Ground Chuck.

When I get bored, I strap my six-gun around my waist and go on a walk-about in the wooded area of my ranch. I don’t see much wildlife these days, mostly because both eyes are looking at the ground for those serpentine devils. I’ve seen a few coral snakes in the past few months but rattlesnakes prefer to reside in places where there’s no redneck with a six-gun strapped around his waist.

Well, I’d better sign off now. My right typing finger is cramping up on me, so I need to do some serious hydrating.
Y’all stay safe. If you get bored, just send me an email, and I’ll send you some reading material. I have hundreds of columns just as dumb as this one.

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