The Washington Nobodies

I don’t know ‘bout all y’all, but I’m a bit tired of reading about this dang corona virus, along with the controversies of shutdowns and wearing a mask. Heck, I’ve even roiled the pot a time or two, tossing in my two cents while pennies are still accepted as currency. As important as this pandemic is upon our health and economy, I’ve had my fill of writing about it. So, to help relieve your stress, I’ve decided to move on to a more jovial topic today. Are y’all ready for some football?

Well, that last sentence probably caused some of my testosterone-deficient readers to skip this column, but there is a football-related subject I need to address before the NFL season starts. As some of y’all already know, the NFL team up in Washington DC will no longer be the Redskins, since that term is considered a racial slur. I don’t disagree with this action, something that probably should’ve happened years ago, but the new name is what has me wondering if there is anyone in our nation’s capital who has half a brain.

The NFL has announced the Redskins will now be called the Washington Football Team. No, I’m not pulling your leg. That’s what the team owner wants to call his club until they come up with another name, one that won’t upset anybody. It might take a while since, as we all know, it takes a long time for folks in Washington to agree on anything. So, if there is an NFL season in 2020, we’ll get to watch the Cowboys whup the Washington Football Team twice.

Can you imagine some foreign tourist going into a sports bar in Washington and asking the fella on the adjacent barstool, “Do you have a football team here in Washington?”

“We sure do.”
“What is it called?”
“The Football Team.”
“Yes, your football team. What’s its name?”
“The Football Team.”
“Yes, sir. Your football team?”
“Yep. That’s it.”
“That’s what? I am asking what do you call your football team?”
“Pal, I told you. The Football Team. Are you hard of hearing or something?”
“I am sorry, maybe you do not understand me with my accent. When you go watch an NFL game, whom do you root for?”
“The Football Team.”
“Which one?”
“My Football Team!”
“Yes, your football team. I understand that. Okay, let’s say you are placing a bet on a game, and you are picking your football team to beat the Chicago Bears. What do you say to your bookie?”
“A hundred on the Football Team, duh?”
“Hmm? Okay, what does your mascot look like?”
“I don’t think we have one. We used to have one dressed like a fierce Native American warrior. Now I think there’s a guy wearing a jersey and a Donald Trump mask”.
“So, let me get this straight. Here in Washington D.C., there is this football team. And you and your fellow fans support the football team. And every week, you gather in front of the TV and cheer ‘Go football team!’ Am I correct?”
“Finally, you understand! I was thinking you foreigners were just stupid.”

So, NFL fans, if there are any of you left with all the hullabaloo over kneeling, it won’t be long before we can start watching football again. I may have to watch a Washington game just to hear their fans cheer, “Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar. All for the Football Team, stand up and holler!”

When not watching his favorite Cowboys or booing “The Football Team”, Younts is probably teaching his grandkids the art of throwing a football, or a cow patty.

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