Finding Bigfoot

I’m guessing most of y’all are rather bored sitting around waiting for your turn to get vaccinated. This virus has kept some of us holed up like a groundhog in the Allegheny Forest. A few of us have masked up and ventured outside, steering clear of strangers like they were lepers. There’re just not many fun things you can do outdoors where it’s unlikely you’ll see another human. Until now, but we’ll have to head up to Oklahoma to have our fun.

I know what y’all are thinkin’. What’s there to do in Oklahoma besides gambling on the Indian reservations? Can we still call them that or are they now called Indigenous People Housing Developments?

Well, lucky for us Texans, Justin Humphrey, a legislator up in Oklahoma has introduced a bill that would create a Bigfoot hunting season. Yep, you heard me right. They’ll sell adventurous folks a hunting permit that will allow them to go out and trap a Sasquatch. I know, a mess of Texans just started loading their guns after reading this, but the folks in Oklahoma don’t need a mess of armed, drunk rednecks traipsing through the woods at night, shooting at every hairy creature they see.

According to this Humphrey fella, the state would offer a $25,000 bounty for every Bigfoot you snare. That’s a big chunk of change, guys. I don’t know about you, but with that kind of money, I can buy me a bass boat and a Yeti cooler for my beer. If there’s any money left over and since I’m so generous, I might buy my wife that new vacuum cleaner she’s been talking about.

Now, before a bunch of y’all pack up your truck for a squatch safari, y’all need to know something about hunting Bigfoot. Now I’m no expert in this field, but during this pandemic, I’ve watch nine seasons of Finding Bigfoot on Hulu. I know a thing or two about searching for a Sasquatch. If y’all think you can toss a can of SPAM into a hog trap and catch yourself a squatch, you’re gonna be quite disappointed. Allow me to give y’all a few tips that I’ve learned from watching this reality TV show.

First of all, Bigfoot is an elusive creature. He’s nocturnal, rarely seen in daylight. And when photographed, he has a knack to make every photo blurred. You’d think with all these fancy cellphones and game cameras, someone would have a decent photo of a Sasquatch. These creatures are smarter than your average hirsute humanoid.

I’ve also learned that Bigfoot is rather malodorous. For y’all of lesser intelligence, that means stanky. So, if you have an acute sense of smell, you can probably track a squatch through the Ouachita Mountains and find one right easy. Now y’all fellas whose olfactory receptors got fouled up by the COVID, y’all might need to take your wife with you to do the sniffing.

Now, y’all might be pondering over what type of net to use to trap a Bigfoot. This presents somewhat a quandary since nary a one episode of Finding Bigfoot had the researchers actually catching a Sasquatch. I reckon a good cowpoke could lasso a Bigfoot, but you’ll have to hogtie the squatch to keep him from running off and dragging you into the woods. Bass fishermen are known to tell some tall tales, but I doubt they have a net strong enough to scoop up Bigfoot.

I suggest doing some research on making snares and building traps to bag yourself a Bigfoot. Personally, I’m going to binge watch the Roadrunner cartoons to get some ideas. That’s one wily coyote, I’ll tell you what. Hmm? I wonder if Amazon sells Bigfoot traps?

If y’all do head up north during Bigfoot hunting season, here’s a little advice. Make sure it’s a Bigfoot you’re hunting. Lots of gals up in Oklahoma have stopped shaving during this pandemic.

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