Vaccination proclamation

Hey, long time, no see. Some of y’all might’ve wondered why my column hasn’t been in the paper, maybe even worried that the COVID got me. Well, I am happy to announce that I have evaded the virus for more than a year, and now I am confident in knowing that the COVID isn’t going to put me six feet under. I finally was able to get the vaccine two weeks ago and I’m happy as a buzzard chowing down on fresh roadkill. Just knowing that I probably won’t keel over if I were to catch the coronavirus has relieved a lot of stress.

Getting the vaccine wasn’t easy. I was on several lists, hoping I would get a call to come get my shot. I was so desperate, I even signed up on a list up in Austin. I wasn’t sure I wanted to risk my life driving into Austin for a potentially lifesaving vaccine, but I was willing to try. Luckily, I was able to get one just down the road. I never thought hypertension was a good thing, but it enabled me to be on the 1B list. And y’all thought all that red meat was unhealthy.

I’ve gotta give the folks who ran the vaccine clinic that I attended a lot of praise. They were extremely organized and professional. I’m guessing our state government wasn’t directly involved. There was a slight wait, but the health care professionals and countless volunteers moved us along efficiently. It was reminiscent of working a large herd of cattle through the chutes, except the cows weren’t wearing masks.

As for the actual injection, it was no big deal. I hardly felt the needle. Over the past 60+ years, I have received numerous injections: vaccines, antibiotics, anesthetics, and possibly, according to some wack-a-doodles, a microchip for the government to track us. Some of those shots hurt going in, but my corona vaccine slid in like a warm skewer into a marshmallow. The shot tingled a little at first, but it didn’t cause me to stagger or start mumbling incoherently. That came from my celebratory post-vaccine cocktail.

Y’all might be curious about any side effects that I might’ve incurred. There have been unsubstantiated reports of all sorts of bad reactions, but the only side effect I had was a noticeably sore shoulder. I’ve heard some folks say they had body aches. I’m 63 years old. I have body aches every day. If the shot caused an extra ache, I didn’t notice. I also heard some folks felt tired after getting their vaccines. Dang, I’ve been tired since 1998, so I can’t accurately report this as being a side effect. I can truthfully say that I didn’t grow a third eyeball, develop an aversion to brisket or suffer any weird symptom like some cranially vacuous individuals claim on Facebook.

I still can’t figure why some folks won’t get vaccinated. I’ve read all sorts of crapola posted on social media about the vaccine being dangerous and even potentially deadly. Some cretins with IQs matching their shoe size claim the CDC and our federal government have lied about the dangers of the vaccine, but you’ve got to wonder why so many people throughout the world are getting the vaccine and there are no reports coming from the World Health Organization about deadly side effects. I am surprised there isn’t some inane theory that the COVID vaccine was manufactured in Area 51 from alien DNA.

I reckon some folks have a legitimate reason for not getting vaccinated. I feel sorry for their family members, friends and coworkers, but it’s their choice. Hopefully they won’t someday be lying on a hospital bed with a plastic tube crammed down their trachea and thinking, “Maybe I should’ve gotten that vaccine after all.”

Personally, I’m thrilled to know I’ll be around on the earth for a while longer as long as I don’t get kicked in the head by a spooked cow. And once I get my second shot, I can go visit my family, assuming they tell me where they live.

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