Olympic games just for Texans

After watching the Summer Olympics for the past two weeks, I have a question for all y’all. All the signs in stadiums and arenas in Tokyo read “2020 Olympics,” and unless I’m down to my last brain cell, I believe it’s now 2021. I suppose it’s due to last year’s Olympics having to be scrubbed due to COVID, but it’s really messing with my feeble mind. Ever since I retired and the regular TV season ended, I rarely know what day it is. And now, whenever I tune in to NBC sports, I see it’s 2020. I’m afraid to go into Walmart. If I were to see Christmas decorations on their shelves now, I think I’d roll up into a ball and cry.

Since I see NFL teams have started their training camps, I’m pretty sure it’s still summer. And until football resumes in September, there’s a lull in sports unless you’re one of the few baseball fans out there. So, I have come up with a week-long sporting event to hold us over until football kicks off. I call it “Texas Summer Olympics.”

There will be a number of events that are unique to Texas and our wonderfully toasty summer weather. None of these events were in the Tokyo Olympics, so you will be seeing them for the first time. I doubt I can get it organized and sponsored this year, so look for it next year. Here’s a line-up of 2021/2022 Texas Summer Olympics. 

There will be the Sweaty T-shirt Race. Contestants will stand out in the sun for 10 minutes. The first one to completely soak his shirt wins. If no shirt is totally soaked after 10 minutes, we’ll wring out the shirt into a rain gauge to measure the sweat.

We’ll have the Barefoot 100 Meter Dash. Speedy athletes will run barefooted through a pasture full of grass burs and wet cow patties.

Only the brave will enter the Yellow Jacket Scatter. Contestants will gather beneath a hornets nest while a marksman slings a rock at it. The last contestant to take off running for his life will be the winner.

One event that many of y’all might’ve once participated in is River Tubing. Contestants will float down a Texas river in an inner tube with a cooler of cold beer strapped to its side. Also attached to the tube will be a thermometer to measure any change of water temperature. The contestant who can travel the farthest without peeing in the river wins.

The Texas High Jump is a little different from what you might’ve seen in Tokyo. Here, a contestant must go into a pasture with an ornery Brangus bull and taunt him until he charges. Contestants must clear the top wire to have a chance of winning and of siring offspring.

Water Polo, except there is no ball or net. Contestants must swim across the length of the pool and successfully toss his empty beer can into a 5-gallon bucket. The contestant who gets the most empties into the bucket after a 12-pack of Lone Star beer wins.

For those who like watching endurance events, we’ll have the Porta-Potty Challenge. Contestants will have to enter a Porta-porty at a construction site on a hot Friday afternoon. The one who lasts the longest inside without passing out or vomiting wins the contest and gets to shower.

The Blue Bell Bike Race pits bicyclists to race against each other and the Texas heat. Contestants must purchase a quart of ice cream at HEB and travel 10 miles to the finish line. Anyone who makes it with unmelted Blue Bell gets to eat it. 

The Big Splash is for those water sports enthusiasts. Contestants must perform a cannonball off the diving board. Biggest splash wins unless they rip their drawers in the process which results in disqualification.

There won’t be any medals given to the winners. Instead, the athletes will receive an ice cold Blue Ribbon. So, are y’all planning to tune in next summer for the 2000-something Texas Olympics? I’m not sure what network will carry it. Maybe the Longhorn Network since the SEC won’t allow their games to be on that channel.


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