Whiskey River has run dry

By Clint Younts

Dang, this supply chain snafu has really gotten out of hand. I haven’t really been affected much before now. I’m not looking to buy a new car. Nothing I needed was sitting in a cargo box out in some west coast seaport. I’ve been doing just fine, until today.

With this crazy weather, due to the climate change or whatever, Mother Nature is as confused as Texas cowpoke in a Vietnamese restaurant. Some days are cold as a witch’s toenail in the morning and warm as a camel’s hump by midday. Trees don’t know if they’re supposed to drop their leaves or sprout new buds. Geese are circling like buzzards over a dying hog, unsure if they should head south or stick around here for another month. 

Normally, once December rolls around, I don’t have to worry about stepping on a snake as I’m walking to my favorite tree to recycle those two cups of morning coffee. But lately, we’ve seen a mess of snakes ‘round here. Mostly harmless, except for those of weak heart or full bladder, but we’ve seen several coral snakes. And I’m fearing there might be another rattler dozing beneath a tub of Christmas decorations like the one I found last year.

Now, I know what you’re wondering. What does this wacky weather have to do with my supply chain complaint? Well, let me tell ya. I went to get my quarterly haircut this morning. And since no one wants to work for a livin’ these days, there was going to be a short wait for my trim due to the salon being short-staffed. Now, just because I’m calling it a salon doesn’t mean I’ve become all citified and such. It’s not what I’d call a barbershop, and no one asked me if I needed any man parts waxed. It’s one of those hair-cutting placing with a dozen chairs, all but two sitting empty this morning. They can’t get people to work any more.

Okay, back to the supply chain issue. With all the deadly serpents sunning themselves in the yard or coiled up in the shed, I’m thinking I need to restock my medicine cabinet with snakebite remedy. It seems like my last bottle got used quite frequently during last winter’s blizzard. Yes, snakebite remedy is also good for curing the rigors.

So, while I was waiting my turn at the salon, I walked over to my favorite apothecary to refill my prescription, and I was almost struck blind at the sight of near- empty shelves of medicinal elixirs. Oh, there were bottles of other pharmaceutical supplies, stuff that won’t do much good for snake bites or rattled nerves, but a fruity cocktail isn’t what my doctor ordered. 

Now, I know my favorite elixir isn’t sitting on some Chinese freighter anchored off the coast of California. It’s made in Tennessee, just a half-day’s drive from here, so what’s the problem? Where are all the truck drivers who were our heroes during the pandemic? 

I know some folks up in the mountains of Kentucky who might be willing to bring me a jug or two of their homemade elixir, but that stuff will melt ear wax and make your eyes cross. I’d rather have FDA-approved snakebite remedy. My pharmacist said he’s been waiting for two months for a shipment. Lord knows how many people were lost to snake bites.  I heard some folks tried using animal dewormers as treatments. God rest their souls. 

So, what do I do? Stop walking around outside on warm days or switch over to some sissified cocktail with an orange slice and little umbrella propped against the rim of the glass? C’mon, folks! Put on your big boy pants and get back to work. We need our shelves stocked again. We need more gals cutting my hair four times a year. And I need a good shot of antifreeze before I go hunting hogs on a cold night.

Maybe we need to all send Clint a touch of medicinal elixirs to tame what ails him.

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