Uber here, Uber there

By Clint Younts

With the holidays lurking around the corner, some of y’all might be heading to grandma’s house in some far away land like Nebraska. You brave souls might’ve opted to fly the unfriendly skies instead of spending the holidays stuck in traffic on I-35. And once y’all get to your destination, you’ll have to empty your life savings and rent a car unless you have some relative nice enough to come fetch you at the airport. Or you can use an Uber.

For y’all who don’t travel further than the Dairy Queen, you’ll probably never use an Uber. I thought the same way until I agreed to accompany my wife on a lengthy trip to North Carolina. Ten days of parking at the airport was going to cost more that what the car is worth. And since we had to be at the airport at the butt-crack of dawn, nobody we know was willing to drop us off. When my wife suggested we take an Uber, I was a bit hesitant until I realized it would save us a bunch of money.

So, early one Sunday morning, long before the rooster wipes sleep goobers from its eyes, a very nice SUV crept down our driveway and picked us up. I was expecting a driver who was more experienced at steering a camel that a Chevrolet, but this guy was an Austinite. His driving skills were superb, especially in the  chaotic drop-off area at the airport. My one and only experience with Uber was pleasant, but like fingerprints and cow patties, no two Ubers are alike.

I have heard many good reports of Uber rides, but I have heard a few horror stories, too. Just because my Uber driver was just fine and dandy doesn’t mean your driver will be as good. So I thought I should give y’all some tips on using Uber. Here are a few things you don’t want to hear from your Uber driver.

Thanks to Covid restrictions, I didn’t have to take an eye exam and I finally passed the driver’s test. 

Is that mailbox still stuck on my bumper or did it finally fall off?

My last passenger told me she had lice. Ain’t that a hoot!

Death to infidels!

Crap! My pet cobra just crawled out of its box and slithered beneath the seat. Y’all don’t see him, do ya?

Dude! I passed my drug test yesterday. Don’t know how.

I reckon I should warn you that I am color blind and a little hard of hearing, so if you see a red light, shout real loud.

I can’t recall if I took my narcolepsy medicine this morning.

Hey, if we happen to get pulled over by the cops, pray he doesn’t ask to look in the trunk.

Y’all have any ideas how to get bloodstains out of Corinthian leather?

Do you like my air freshener? You can’t even smell that doobie I was smoking just before I picked you up.

If you’re wondering, I tested negative for Covid this morning. But unfortunately, I tested positive for TB.

A couple more fares like this one and I can finally get new brakes for this bad boy.

I bet y’all didn’t even notice that I’m not wearing pants.

And one more thing else you don’t want to hear from your Uber driver:

Just think, last week I was in prison for kidnapping, and thanks to a technicality, I’m now out and driving folks to the airport.

Uber can take the country boy to the airport, but can’t take the country out of the boy. We all wonder how his wife deals with him.


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