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Resolute on no New Years resolutions

By Clint Younts

Well, we made it through another year. Lots of folks weren’t so fortunate. So far, 2022 is looking a lot like the past two years. Hospitals are full of folks who are now wishing they had gotten that dang shot. The weather is as crazy as a blue jay who found a worm lying beside an empty tequila bottle. Restaurants and other businesses are short-staffed because people are sick, lazy or a combination of the two. And shelves in local apothecaries are nearly bare.

But, hey, it’s a new year and who knows what will happen in 2022. Lots of folks are optimistic that this will be a great year, but I’m not so sure. There are still millions of people who are obstinate (that’s a fancy word for “stubborn as an old mule”) and won’t get vaccinated, allowing this virus to spread like a grass fire on a blustery summer day. Many colleges are starting the year with virtual classes, and most schools are requiring everyone to wear a mask, including the class gerbil.

So, if 2022 is going to be just like 2021, I reckon I don’t need to make new resolutions or set any goals. I made a resolution back in 2019 to stop procrastinating, but I haven’t gotten around to achieving that objective. Maybe I’ll get it done later this year. I think I might’ve made a resolution last year to work on improving my memory, but I just don’t recall. I do know I bought some vitamins that are supposed to help with mental acuity, but I keep forgetting to take the darn things.

I think I made a resolution in 2021 to eat healthier. I might’ve achieved this one since I eat whatever my wife feeds me. There’s no tellin’ what protein source she’s putting in those casseroles and other dishes. She’s got a mess of cook books with the word “Healthy” in its title, so I’m sure my heart and colon are doing quite well. Unfortunately, my taste buds are suffering from deep depression.

Lots of folks my age go to the YMCA or some other gym. I haven’t resorted to doing this yet, even though I have a Silver Sneakers card that allows me free access to treadmills, stationary bicycles and other devices of torture. In case you’re wondering, I do work out every day. I work out at the barn, and I work out in the yard. Sometimes I work out on the fence when an amorous buck doesn’t quite clear the top wire while he’s in pursuit of a pretty gal.

Speaking of getting healthy, I hear folks talking about “Dry January”. I thought it was a weather forecast, but these folks are giving up all alcohol consumption for the entire month. Well, that’s fine and dandy for some people, but how else am I supposed to sterilize my throat to ward off any upper respiratory infections? And I still worry about having intestinal parasites, and I’m not about to drink cattle dewormers like some dang fool. A shot of whiskey followed by a cold beer has kept my innards parasite-free for the past 33 years. I’m not about to go dry and end up with worms.

Some folks set goals for the New Year. Lots of people start a diet, striving to reach a certain weight. As for my weight, I have a range that keeps me from having to hop on the scales every morning. As long as I can button my jeans, I’m fine. If you see me wearing sweat pants, then you’ll know I went over my range and have switched to light beer. 

Some folks get monetary goals, wanting to save up for some big purchase. My monetary goal is to have enough money left to generously tip the bartender. I actually have a nest egg, except it’s covered with bird poop.

So, to sum it all up, my New Year’s resolution for 2022 is to stop making resolutions I’ll never complete, and my goal for this year is to see 2023. Have a happy and safe New Year, and for all our sakes, get the dang shot!

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