Old rules for new times

By Clint Younts

I’m a bit confused on what I can and cannot do or say these days. With the pandemic, the Me Too movement, political correctness and whatever the heck “woke” is, I just don’t know the rules anymore. I was raised by fairly strict parents. I was encouraged to be polite and respectful. We attached “sir” and “ma’am” to affirmative or negative replies. Using a curse word in front of my mother lead to sucking on a bar of Lava soap for 10 minutes.  I was taught to follow the rules. Violations of said rules resulted in a swat to my behind with a wooden spoon, or even worse, I heard “Wait until your father gets home”. 

So, throughout my lengthy stay on this earth, I tried to follow the rules, but recently the rules have changed. I can’t tell you how many times I used a term or phrase and hear “Dad, you can’t say that anymore”. I have a pretty large vocabulary, and derogatory slurs and certain profane words have been omitted, probably due to the taste of Lava soap. Words, phrases and practices that were once acceptable are now taboo. I’m willing to change with the times, but someone needs to write a new rulebook.

For the past two years, we’ve been told to wear a mask. Even after we got vaccinated, we were advised to keep wearing a mask. And now the CDC says if we’re fully vaccinated and aren’t immunocompromised, we don’t need a mask but should still practice social distancing. So, I’d like to know, since I’ve received 3 doses of the corona vaccine plus spilled some pour-on cattle dewormer down my arm, can I now go back to sniffing women’s hair as I pass them in the aisle in HEB or is this against the rules?

We can call a sports team Chiefs, Braves and Indians, but not Redskins. The Washington Football Team has now become the Commanders. I’m not sure this was the best choice for Washington since we haven’t had a worthy commander-in-chief since Eisenhower.

How can Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn be tossed from a public library but Fifty Shades of Grey is still on the shelf?  Who writes the rule on what we can and cannot read?

It used to be a rule to keep your elbows off the dinner table, but now it’s permissible as long as you are texting or checking your inbox.

I haven’t read the latest version of the Texas Driver’s Handbook, but I wonder if they omitted the section on using turn signals. If using your blinkers is no longer a rule, then can we replace the turn signal switch with something useful, like an extra cup holder?

While we’re on the subject of traffic laws, can someone write up the rules for using a turnabout? I avoid those things like a coughing brunette in the cereal aisle in HEB.

And when did they change the rule saying it’s now permissible for a man to repeatedly grab his crotch while performing on stage during halftime of the Super Bowl, but if a fella scratches a chigger bite while sitting on a park bench, he will be labelled as a pervert?

What’s the rule on describing the room in a house where the parents sleep? For over 50 years, we called it the master bedroom, but now we can’t use the term “master”. I stopped using the term many years ago after learning my wife rules this house.

There used to be rules on being respectful of others, like pulling over to the shoulder and removing your hat as a funeral procession passes by. And showing respect to our country and all who fought defending her by standing and facing the flag during the National Anthem. 

I know most schools have a dress code, but isn’t there a rule on wearing proper attire while shopping at WalMart? On my last visit there, I went down the clearance aisle and found what appeared to be two discount hookers. Maybe they were on their lunch break.

And if there is now a new rulebook for us, I sure hope the Golden Rule is still in there because these past few years, it seems like lots of folks have forgotten that rule.

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